Inspector Javert

Better than a baby

I suspect my wife's "miscarriage" was not spontaneous

I wanted the child and she did not.

By Cary Tennis

July 18, 2006 | Dear Cary,

I strongly suspect that my wife's miscarriage last year was intentional, i.e., she had an induced abortion. At the time we were both 31 years old with a combined income of just over 100K. We were married for about a year. My wife was on medication for depression and anxiety (Paxil with the occasional Xanax). The pregnancy was unplanned and she expressed a desire to terminate the pregnancy a few days after we found out, saying she wasn't ready to have kids yet, maybe in another year. I really wanted to have a baby and was very upset that she felt this way. We made an appointment for counseling about two weeks out. However, prior to that she claims she had a miscarriage.

Without going into all the details, the circumstantial evidence strongly suggests she's lying to me. Also, I've had the opportunity to speak with several doctors who have pointed out numerous problems with her timeline, medicine and explanations to me that wouldn't pass the smell test with a first-year med student. Her story initially fooled me because I'm a guy and didn't know a thing about pregnancy other than how to start one.

About two weeks later, when I confronted her with my concerns (as nicely as possible considering the gravity of the situation) she became extremely upset and flat-out denied everything. Her attitude was basically, "How dare you suggest I would do something so awful," and she refused to answer any specific questions. I backed down, considering that, regardless of which was true, both scenarios would be emotionally burdensome to any woman.

I spent the next several weeks avoiding the situation and being as supportive as one could expect, hoping that once there was some distance we could talk in more detail. When I brought it up again about two and a half months later, she reacted the same way. I suggested she get a copy of her medical records, which according to my doctor friends would absolutely state "spontaneous abortion" or "SAB," if true, and settle the matter conclusively. Same reaction.

Almost a year has passed now and I don't know how to proceed. When I hear someone giving her sympathy about the "miscarriage" or hear her talking about it to her friends, I have to leave the room. If she would have then or would just tell me the truth now, I would forgive her, but I can't go on like this. In my heart I want to believe she's telling the truth, but my head says she intentionally aborted my baby and is continuing to lie about it. In further discussions about children, she always wants to put it off for a few months, leading me to suspect she not want children at all. (We did discuss this before we got married and agreed that we would have children in a year or two.)

My problem: If I insist she get a copy of her medical records and they show it was a legitimate miscarriage, I win Asshole of the Year and do serious harm to the marriage. If I do nothing, this will eat away at me for some time, also not good for the marriage. If the records show that it was an induced abortion, it will be difficult but I will forgive her. The one sure thing is that the status quo cannot be maintained. Thoughts?

Problem one: his wife did not trust him enough to be honest

Problem two: these people don't need to be married. Because if your wife has to sneak to get an abortion, there is a lot more wrong in the marriage. I think the issue isn't that she didn't want kids, but she didn't want kids with him